Mom - a Soldier

Every woman who decides to tie her life to military service understands all the possible risks and challenges that may affect her life and, consequently, the life of her family.

Separation from one’s children is one of the most challenging trials for both the woman and her children. There’s no universal recipe for how to get through this period of separation with the least unpleasant consequences. However, there are certain recommendations that, when taken into account, can somewhat alleviate the negative impact of the separation on both oneself (the mother) and one’s child.

Remember that children feel and “mirror” the state and emotions of their mother. Therefore, first and foremost, the mother herself needs to mentally prepare for the deployment. After that, she can prepare her child for the separation. In advance, it’s necessary to explain (in a form appropriate for the child’s age and individual characteristics) that all military personnel have certain duties, one of which is to defend their country and their people. Of course, the children’s reaction to this can vary and depends on many factors. However, in any case, mothers should be prepared for any emotions from their child, not disregard them, and not belittle them.

It’s crucial to understand that the more we talk with our children, the more controlled their fears and potential stress become, making it easier for them to cope with their emotions and their consequences. Being honest with one’s child is paramount.

Selecting a Temporary Guardian

Selecting a temporary guardian (in case there is no husband) with whom the servicewoman will leave her child is very important. This person should be someone the mother trusts completely, whom the child knows well, and with whom they feel comfortable.

Below are some main tips for communication with the child, both for the mother who is on the front lines and for the temporary guardian staying with the child.

•  Inform the child that sometimes mom may be in places with no communication.
•  To ensure the child doesn’t feel abandoned or forgotten, mom can record and send short videos addressed specifically to the child, where she talks about her day, reassures that she’s alright, and shares her feelings. For preschoolers, a few audio stories can be recorded for the temporary guardian to play for the child.
•  If the opportunity arises, for mom to communicate with the child through video calls, they can draw together, watch a movie or cartoon together (there are online resources where this can be done).
•  As an option, mom and the child can agree to exchange letters with each other.
•  The child may see and hear news from the surrounding environment, from the internet – it’s important to comment and explain what they see. It’s important to tell the truth, adapted to the child’s age, and call things by their names.
•  Whenever possible, avoid conveying extra information that the child is better off not knowing, which may be distressing for them.
•  Don’t promise the child things you’re not certain about (for example, that mom will be coming home soon).
• Do not leave the child “alone with the world.” She must understand and feel that she is not alone in her experiences. If her emotions are excessive, if there is an elevated level of anxiety, noticeable loss of interest in life, and this interferes with normal functioning (loss of appetite, sleep problems, etc.), it is necessary to consult a psychologist.
•  It is important to support the child’s feelings and share your own with her.
•  During communication, it is important to control your emotions: often children hear not just words, but also absorb the emotions of the interlocutor.
•  If the child is already mature enough, you can try to redirect her attention to an activity that can be beneficial (for example, drawings for defenders, volunteering in the area, etc.)
•  Also effective is redirecting the child’s attention to her own future, her plans and goals.
•  An adult who is with the child should convey to her an understanding that she is not alone, she is safe, that all her emotions and fears are understood, and that she will be protected.

How to support yourself, a mother experiencing separation from her child?

Communication with the child and all the above-mentioned ways of maintaining a connection with her are the main resource for a mother.

Of course, emotions can often overwhelm and it may seem like there is no more strength. Releasing these emotions is necessary to avoid accumulating tension within oneself.

It is important to regularly remind yourself why you are doing your job here and now. For whom?

It is important to remember that the main duty of every parent is to protect their children from troubles. And each parent independently chooses methods and ways of protecting and raising their children. Your decision to defend the entire country and the whole nation is your personal decision, most likely the right one for you. It is necessary to realize that no person will ever be able to fully understand another person, because everyone has their own life path, their own experience, their own perception of the world, their own priorities, etc.

Judgment from others is a common practice in our society, especially now, when the war has been going on for a long time. War generates a lot of anxiety, and everyone copes with it as they can. And one of the most common ways is to judge others. It is important to understand that individual judgments and attempts to devalue a woman’s decision to defend the country are not the woman’s problem, but the problem of those who condemn. It is necessary to build and defend personal boundaries and try not to react to destructive criticism. Every person is responsible for their own decisions and actions. And if these actions do not pose a threat (physical and psychological) to others, then no one has the right to encroach on the freedom of choice of another person.

It is important not to forget that we have one common enemy, whom we must overcome as soon as possible. And we can only do this by sticking together, supporting and trying to understand each other. Remember the price of our freedom and thank everyone who fights for this freedom for us.